I’m really sorry every time,
I don’t know how to shine,
He never saw it in me,
It was there I think,
I know it could be,
The sun is bright,
Always home with light,
Reaching so hard,
Maybe forward.

What is it you say,
About this new way,
Or old and consistent,
And I just somehow missed it,
Is it always the same,
Me the one to blame,
I didn’t know, never know,
Was I supposed to go,
Looking down feeling hope,
Learning to cope,
Not going to fade,
Leaving your shade,
Alone I must,
Who else to trust.

Meltdown morning, upswing loving babies, fatigue, meltdown dinner, unhappy husband, bath long bath.

Sunlight

I walked around with a cloud over my head today. It super sucked. I’m alone, and the world hates me.

My smallest sunray wanted to sleep with me tonight. He said so many things. So cute the things a 3 year old wants to talk about that don’t make any sense.

I feel so lost. I’m where I wanted to be, but it’s not how I thought it would be. The easy is hard and the hard is harder.

I constantly think about making things better but all the positive books, proverbs, and memes just sink to the bottom of my soul.

How do I pick myself up?

Enough

My oldest son had a play date at our house today. My youngest thinks all of his brother’s friends are his friends too so it’s a win-win. The weather was terrible so the kids were confined to the house. They played video games and ran through the house shooting each other with Nerf guns. I also fed them Chick fil a for lunch.

Rewind the clock to my childhood. My parents were very anti social when I was growing up and if there wasn’t a neighbor around to play with me I sat home feeling pretty bored. I’m not bitter. I think it was a similar experience for a lot of kids in the 80s and 90s.

I think what drives me absolutely crazy is how somehow at the end of the day I feel like I’m not enough. What is enough? Is that goal attainable? My kids do exponentially more than I ever did. But then I think to myself did they get enough exercise, did they learn anything, should they have built something? Should I have baked cookies? It’s frustrating.

To mock that which could never,
It silently comes for us all,
The darkness is so clever,
To make sure we all fall.